On this Valentine's Day I want to share with you the importance of love in all its forms. May you receive and give love to those around you. May you see and feel love surrounding you in nature. May you find or continue to feel the love within. Happy Valentine's Day star child. Feel the higher vibrations today and every day.
Songwriting and Other Musings...
You know, it's quite amazing what happens when you let go. When you let go of expectations and trying to control a situation. When you simply allow the Universe to work in your favor how everything seems to just magically fall into place.
In my songwriting process I tend to not really write love songs about someone in particular but over the past year, that seems to have changed for me. "Summertime Romance" and "The Projector" are both songs about someone in particular and although those relationships came and went, the songs remain and I'm grateful to have written them. I love these songs. It's part of the songwriters journey I guess. Many of us experience a lot of love and heartbreaks and out comes a world of words and lyrics that need to be expressed.
The "Corazón Terco" album is inspired by someone that looking back, I feel like I was totally blind. I almost decided not to record any of these songs because for a moment there, I felt severely attached to this person until I wasn't. And being unattached is so freeing! I can sing these songs and not be reminded of the memories as to why I originally wrote them. They feel more like songs for you, my dear listeners. For the hopeless romantics.
Yesterday I wrote another song someone new in my life has inspired. It is already a complicated situation but we are well aware of it and so we are just enjoying the moment. And because we are simply enjoying the moment, I am allowing myself to feel all the beautiful side of romantic love without the fear and deep attachments I usually experience in relationships. Neither of us were looking for love and yet somehow we found each other.
The song is called "Sun and Moon" and it's melody and style will be that of a fun, new, adventurous love song. I think of you all when I write so that when I can get back on stage, we can have fun. For those that already know me, know that I have a deep connection with the cosmos and I consider myself a "Moon child". Expect this song to be included in the "Love Therapy" sessions. Have you ever been in love?
This time two years ago I was in Iceland with my sister Tania searching for the ever elusive Northern Lights. We were there for 5 days and on the last day, we got the most amazing view! The photo included in this post is not from our trip but it describes what I'm feeling at the moment. Relationships to me should be like magic and I think I've experienced near magic moments but that euphoria that comes from my travels, in a healthy way, I had yet to really experience that.
I've been connecting more and more to my intuition and have turned down some work due to it. I feel like anything I do going forward should be approached that way. Sit in meditation and feel it out. I imagine the relationship I'd like to experience is one that burns like this bonfire as it appears to me as an ever elusive Northern Lights show. Beautiful, intense, magical and real. I don't want it to die out however if things change and it does, may I be balanced enough to always accept these truths.
As the healing continues, I wrote a song today. And it's interesting because to me the imagery is quite perfect to how the relationship in my perception was. As time goes by and you get over someone, you can see better. The blinds are lifted. So, this song is about that last relationship I had last year. And it's probably the last song I will write about it. Closing chapters. I am now simply riding the wave without any expectations. Just enjoying the process.
Don't be fooled by the title... It has a story to it for sure but not just about that one person. All I can say is... I'm on fire...
“When Hanuman continued to misbehave, powerful sages cursed him to forget his magic powers, such as the ability to fly or to become infinitely large, until he was reminded of them.” - The Story of Hanuman
Today was such an uplifting day for me. Between all my meditations, reading, practicing yoga, listening to my teachers and gurus, I finally had a day where I see the future and it is bright. I remember this feeling from every single time I went through hardships and then just like magic, as soon as I did the work, I was transformed.
Many of us forget that we have the absolute power within to change things around in our lives. That each of us live in our own little worlds. If we can be tuned to the frequency of nature and the cosmos, if we can be completely grounded, we can manifest anything we set our minds to.
When chapters close and things change, we are faced with what’s in front of us AND what is within and we can see. If we want to see of course. And I so badly wanted to see.
I’ve had many dreams in my life and I have accomplished many of them. When I look back at the collection of memories, I’ve had wonderful guides and wonderful teachers but a lot of the weight was pulled alone on a plank into the abyss where I took many leaps of faith. Those were the moments where I experienced the most beautiful times of my life.
So here I go again. Making plans but allowing the universe to take me where it wants to and today was a day where many doors seemed to have opened and I remembered the power within. I am unleashed. I am untamed. I am unapologetic. Like Hanuman, I remember the goddess within.
Tonight I have journeyed into the deep. It has been such a long time since I allowed myself to do that. Sure, I’ve always meditated here and there, took some short moments, went for walking meditation, etc but to sit on the floor in silence and observe my thoughts intently for an extended period of time, I had not done that for many years...
My body was needing it. My mind was needing it. My spirit was needing it. Finally, I created a little space in my room where I set up my nag champas incense, chakra candles, crystals, singing bowl, oracle cards and bolster to sit on and I sat. It is amazing to me how I can be so consumed by my own thoughts and experiences and had forgotten to just “be”. Be present. Be who I am. Be in the moment. And to truly live in the moment, one must also walk with inner peace. To be happiness, to be love, and to be peace.
It is a non-negotiable agreement that I have made to myself that I will not allow myself to forget this feeling, this journey of oneness. I am still human but a human that desires to transcend into greater consciousness. If we are all stardust, we are made of energy. Particles, neutrons, atoms, light…
When I sit and connect with my higher self, I experience unconditional love, forgiveness, joy, peace, bliss, anything, and everything pleasant. I also become aware of my negative inner voice. With love and kindness I set it free. One day at a time I heal and allow myself to continue my path to enlightenment. Do you have a self practice? Do you go deep into the source?
I have always been told I am too sensitive. I have a hard time being around large crowds for long periods of time which is why I tend to listen to music (especially movie scores) when I’m out and about to tune out the world. I’m naturally attracted to nature and silence. I’ve been called a light worker and an empath.
When I’m not focusing on keeping my own meditation practice, mindfulness and the likes, my life begins to crumble. When I work on my breath and love and healing, life is perfectly balanced. Even through adversity, I live life like a lotus flower…beautiful and still even in muddy waters.
Sometimes being in tune with everyone’s emotions is very overwhelming for me. I require a lot of alone time. When I find myself desperate for affection and/or validation, it’s usually an indication that I am out of tune with myself. It comes from a place of neediness and not grounded love.
As I continue this journey through “Love Therapy”, it’s all slowly being revealed and I know what I must do. Have you ever been there? Are you an empath as well? Much love and light to you…
Miscarriages can take a toll on a woman’s body, mind and spirit. I think out of all the topics I have been discussing with you, this may be the most difficult yet. Throughout the years I went back and forth on my decision to become a mother. I wasn’t sure. And I wasn’t sure due to all the trauma I had experienced before and also I allowed myself to be influenced by previous partners, family and even friends. For the longest time I didn’t have a solid support system of having children because in many ways my lifestyle always seemed unstable to so many people as a touring musician.
By now I have experienced a few miscarriages. One fairly recent. I was in denial of it until I received the ultimate confirmation by my doctor. And now more tests need to be done and more tests results are still being processed. I am faced now with an absolute that something is definitely wrong. We just don’t know how “wrong”.
I never grieved the loss of any of my pregnancies really. I set those thoughts to the side because I always thought “Maybe everyone was right? My lifestyle is too unstable.” But now, all those thoughts are out the window. I am 40 years old and I have a deep deep yearning to become a mother. But first, I must grieve. I must accept that these things did happen.
Do you or anyone you know have experienced a pregnancy loss? Grieve it soul sister. Let it out. Experience the grief the way it feels right to you. And as for me, well, the grieving process has begun and tomorrow is another day. Taking one day at a time is what is helping me.
This information has afforded me some closure into my emotional state for the past few months. It explains why I was much more emotional than usual. So there’s some solace there. I’m surrounded by wonderful people and have an incredible support system. I started therapy and it’s working wonderfully.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Much love and light to all you beautiful goddesses out there going through this. My heart feels for you.
I need a daily spiritual practice. Something I have known for a while but sort of forgotten at the same time. This week I was faced with this decision. To sink or swim. Being honest with myself has been something I have been practicing for almost 15 years and still, it is a work in progress. To be stimulated by outside sources for internal healing has been something I've known to not be true to serve me or my purpose.
I think I fell in love easily. And I think I fall in love easily because I have been trying to fill a void from childhood and adult traumas that I have been working to heal for a very long time. This is something I am aware of so when someone else is doing the same thing, I definitely recognize it. I recognize projection. I recognize reflection and I recognize that when I attract the wrong person, it's because they will reveal to me what it is that I need to work on.
My heart hasn't felt centered for quite some time and I think it's because I had abandoned my true daily yoga and meditation practice. When I met my ex-husband Michael, I had a daily meditation practice that had started with just a few minutes a day to over an hour in absolute bliss. I felt alive. My Kundalini Awakening had begun and my yoga practice was also daily. Visiting Jivamukti Yoga in Union Square was my sanctuary. Finding my teachers, my gurus throughout the years has been the most absolute healing my mind, body, and spirit could ever hope for.
The release of any pain is beautiful. The true release. There's beauty in the breakdown. At this very moment as I type this I am overcome with emotion. In my life I have experienced many things. I'm sure we all have. But this is my experience. Being molested by a family member at the age of 12, that same year I was assaulted by neighbors. One in his 30's and the other were kids my own age.
I remember I kept silent. I was ashamed. Like maybe it was all my fault and I couldn't vocalize any of this to my parents. Finally, at the age of 14, I had my first boyfriend. He was my first love and first experience in many things. The trust I felt with him was absolute and I really thought I had found "the one". Of course looking back, that's sort of silly, but in the moment, it was all true to me.
At this age I was able to vocalize to my mother what had happened to me with only the family member. They never knew about the other situations and to this day, that is still a true statement. So, if they read this, it will be the first time they'd hear about it. I don't remember my parents really pursuing justice regarding the molestation. I do remember being interviewed by a policeman and that was that. Case was closed.
After 2.5 years, my first boyfriend decided to break up with me. I was in shock. I was in pain. I felt blindsided. The first person that I completely trusted abandoned me. And so, my "fear of abandonment" began.
Many other things after that has happened and I think in part it was due to my low self esteem. Not a solid loving support system in the emotional aspect from my parents. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents with all my heart but I know for me, they could have done some things better. So, I turned to self destructive behavior and some of those things still manifest today though I'm trying really hard to break free from them.
I was in a relationship recently that felt "normal" and I entertained it because he was genuinely a nice guy. My thoughts on him at first were that he was sweet, charming, fantastic but something seemed off. I couldn't put my finger on it. Like his love was fake. And we dove deep into this relationship so hard and so fast that in that same manner, it ended. It was abrupt. I felt blindsided again just when my feelings for him were beginning to really grow. And all those emotions from when I was 16 came rushing back. The "fear of abandonment" came back and I am now left with the pieces to pick up. One by one.
We tried the "friendship" route but it didn't work. The first few weeks were absolutely gut wrenching for me and I asked him for space. I even gave him the courtesy of letting him know I was going to block him from social media because seeing him online was just too painful for me. I don't think he fully understood that. As time went on, I was feeling better. We had some other outside situations arise. And just when I had made headway with my healing, he ended our friendship and completely removed me from his life. Once again, "fear of abandonment" creeped up. The beauty of this all is I was forced to look at myself again. Start from square one. And here is when I was pushed into my self spiritual practice again.
It started with taking a wonderful yoga class in French (to keep the language), then an absolutely blissful Sound Healing Meditation with an old friend and finally, a Kundalini meditation practice. Not all at once. These events occurred over the past few days. I am now at a place where I remember my self healing, my self practice, my guru's, my yoga, my search for enlightenment.
The grief is real and I know I must honor it. The work comes from within and I know I must be willing to see it. The good, the bad and the ugly. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't mine. We met for a higher purpose. I love him and wish him all the best in his life for he truly is a great guy. Sadhguru once said "Even if a great thing comes to you when you are not ready for it, It will not be a good thing for you."
This beautiful person came into my life to reflect onto me what I had forgotten about myself and the work I needed to continue. So here we go and the journey begins...
Ad Guray Nameh (I bow to the primal wisdom)
Jugad Guray Nameh (I bow to the wisdom through the ages)
Sat Guray Nameh (I bow to the true wisdom)
Siri Guru Devay Nameh (I bow to the great unseen wisdom)
To burn: By flames, by words, by circumstances...
In today's blog about "Love Therapy" I wrote a song called "Burn". The imagery is described as follows: Two people on opposites sides of a bridge waiting for one or both to set that bridge on fire.
Now, I'm not one to burn bridges unless I have no regard for the other person. Still, at times I wish I could just walk away with dignity whether the person in question treated me unfairly or not. In this case, it's from someone I hold very dear to me. I don't think I necessarily burned the bridge or if I just set myself on fire by making some mistakes regarding boundaries.
You see, I have an unhealthy attachment style. But that unhealthy attachment style doesn't manifest until the relationship ends. I try anything and everything in my power to hold on to said relationship even if I'm fully aware of the transition into friendship will take time. I wanted to be friends. I couldn't do it. I asked for space. He couldn't give it to me. I then stayed and we basically did it to each other. The push and pull until he couldn't take it anymore and completely pulled the plug, or should I say, set that bridge on fire. And now it's over. Now it's done.
It's safe to say that this is probably the best outcome for both of us before this relationship turns sour. It wasn't sour. It was beautiful but major life circumstances got in the way of what could have been and there was absolutely nothing either of us could do to stop it. He checked out way before I had and to this day I'm still processing it. Had we continued the route we were going, the end could have been much worse and the beautiful memories would no longer far outweigh the bad ones. Thank God that is not what happened...at least on my part.
The song came to me this morning as the effects of what was said and done began to smack me in the face. I woke up in pain that I lost control. He was already gone and I have been blocked everywhere as to be sure I couldn't reach out to him again. And so I won't but my ego is definitely bruised.
So there we were, standing on opposites sides of the bridge. I set myself on fire first by making some same mistakes over and over and he set the bridge on fire. And I wallowed in my sorrow, raw as I sat in my room and felt all the feels and then began to do the work. I took a yoga class today and upon the first "om" in class I burst into tears. I couldn't even "om". I will miss this person. He said he won't forget me and I won't either. There was love there. Just, in some ways, not the same kind. It was all ruined thanks to life's unforgiving School of Hard Knox. And I process. And I learn.
Ever had someone in your life (memory) where you still mourn the loss because life just didn't allow you to work it out?
1. a slender rounded rod with tapered ends used in hand spinning to twist and wind thread from a mass of wool or flax held on a distaff.
2. a rod or pin serving as an axis that revolves or on which something revolves.
I find myself sort of spinning out of control and yet also sewing myself back together. I wrote a song two days ago called "The Spindle" which is entirely about my continuous struggle through this emotional roller coaster we call life. I remember well when I wrote "Angels and Demons" and it was at the beginning of my healing journey from childhood and early adult traumas. It was 2009 and I was sitting in my office in my apartment in Astoria, Queens (NY). It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. I turned on my keyboard and started to play. There is a draft from the moment I came up with the first words and chords and you can even hear the N/W train passing by in the background... That song has gone to be "the gift that keeps on giving" as every year I receive tons of messages from you saying how that song has helped you in your own journey. I thank you for that so much...
Fast forward almost 12 years later and my progress through my own healing has been in some ways great and in some ways very slow. It's no secret that I am a highly emotional and sensitive person. Sometimes it's a very good thing and sometimes it gets the best of me. But I'm trying. I really am.
So "The Spindle". At this moment I feel like I'm finding myself spinning out of control and also trying to sew myself back together. Like I'm the spindle on a spinning wheel. I broke out my acoustic guitar and started to play some chords and it's the second song I've ever written on a guitar. So, I was very excited, I opened Logic Pro and recorded the guitar line into it. Wrote the song, recorded my draft vocals and let it simmer for a day. It originally sounded like it was going to be sort of a folksy song and it turns out, it's more of an electropop power ballad like "Running Away" (off the Erotomania album), which I also happened to co-produce and is also about my life journey.
Anyways, here I am listening to this new production I've so far produced at home before sending it off to one of my guys to complete it and make it better and wanted to share this songwriting process with you.
Let me sew myself back together and be a better version of me. Let all the other versions of me continue to die as I evolve into the person and artist I was always meant to become. If my suffering was meant for your healing, then it's all worth it.
*Photo taken in Toulouse, France