I need a daily spiritual practice. Something I have known for a while but sort of forgotten at the same time. This week I was faced with this decision. To sink or swim. Being honest with myself has been something I have been practicing for almost 15 years and still, it is a work in progress. To be stimulated by outside sources for internal healing has been something I've known to not be true to serve me or my purpose.
I think I fell in love easily. And I think I fall in love easily because I have been trying to fill a void from childhood and adult traumas that I have been working to heal for a very long time. This is something I am aware of so when someone else is doing the same thing, I definitely recognize it. I recognize projection. I recognize reflection and I recognize that when I attract the wrong person, it's because they will reveal to me what it is that I need to work on.
My heart hasn't felt centered for quite some time and I think it's because I had abandoned my true daily yoga and meditation practice. When I met my ex-husband Michael, I had a daily meditation practice that had started with just a few minutes a day to over an hour in absolute bliss. I felt alive. My Kundalini Awakening had begun and my yoga practice was also daily. Visiting Jivamukti Yoga in Union Square was my sanctuary. Finding my teachers, my gurus throughout the years has been the most absolute healing my mind, body, and spirit could ever hope for.
The release of any pain is beautiful. The true release. There's beauty in the breakdown. At this very moment as I type this I am overcome with emotion. In my life I have experienced many things. I'm sure we all have. But this is my experience. Being molested by a family member at the age of 12, that same year I was assaulted by neighbors. One in his 30's and the other were kids my own age.
I remember I kept silent. I was ashamed. Like maybe it was all my fault and I couldn't vocalize any of this to my parents. Finally, at the age of 14, I had my first boyfriend. He was my first love and first experience in many things. The trust I felt with him was absolute and I really thought I had found "the one". Of course looking back, that's sort of silly, but in the moment, it was all true to me.
At this age I was able to vocalize to my mother what had happened to me with only the family member. They never knew about the other situations and to this day, that is still a true statement. So, if they read this, it will be the first time they'd hear about it. I don't remember my parents really pursuing justice regarding the molestation. I do remember being interviewed by a policeman and that was that. Case was closed.
After 2.5 years, my first boyfriend decided to break up with me. I was in shock. I was in pain. I felt blindsided. The first person that I completely trusted abandoned me. And so, my "fear of abandonment" began.
Many other things after that has happened and I think in part it was due to my low self esteem. Not a solid loving support system in the emotional aspect from my parents. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents with all my heart but I know for me, they could have done some things better. So, I turned to self destructive behavior and some of those things still manifest today though I'm trying really hard to break free from them.
I was in a relationship recently that felt "normal" and I entertained it because he was genuinely a nice guy. My thoughts on him at first were that he was sweet, charming, fantastic but something seemed off. I couldn't put my finger on it. Like his love was fake. And we dove deep into this relationship so hard and so fast that in that same manner, it ended. It was abrupt. I felt blindsided again just when my feelings for him were beginning to really grow. And all those emotions from when I was 16 came rushing back. The "fear of abandonment" came back and I am now left with the pieces to pick up. One by one.
We tried the "friendship" route but it didn't work. The first few weeks were absolutely gut wrenching for me and I asked him for space. I even gave him the courtesy of letting him know I was going to block him from social media because seeing him online was just too painful for me. I don't think he fully understood that. As time went on, I was feeling better. We had some other outside situations arise. And just when I had made headway with my healing, he ended our friendship and completely removed me from his life. Once again, "fear of abandonment" creeped up. The beauty of this all is I was forced to look at myself again. Start from square one. And here is when I was pushed into my self spiritual practice again.
It started with taking a wonderful yoga class in French (to keep the language), then an absolutely blissful Sound Healing Meditation with an old friend and finally, a Kundalini meditation practice. Not all at once. These events occurred over the past few days. I am now at a place where I remember my self healing, my self practice, my guru's, my yoga, my search for enlightenment.
The grief is real and I know I must honor it. The work comes from within and I know I must be willing to see it. The good, the bad and the ugly. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't mine. We met for a higher purpose. I love him and wish him all the best in his life for he truly is a great guy. Sadhguru once said "Even if a great thing comes to you when you are not ready for it, It will not be a good thing for you."
This beautiful person came into my life to reflect onto me what I had forgotten about myself and the work I needed to continue. So here we go and the journey begins...
Ad Guray Nameh (I bow to the primal wisdom)
Jugad Guray Nameh (I bow to the wisdom through the ages)
Sat Guray Nameh (I bow to the true wisdom)
Siri Guru Devay Nameh (I bow to the great unseen wisdom)