To burn: By flames, by words, by circumstances...
In today's blog about "Love Therapy" I wrote a song called "Burn". The imagery is described as follows: Two people on opposites sides of a bridge waiting for one or both to set that bridge on fire.
Now, I'm not one to burn bridges unless I have no regard for the other person. Still, at times I wish I could just walk away with dignity whether the person in question treated me unfairly or not. In this case, it's from someone I hold very dear to me. I don't think I necessarily burned the bridge or if I just set myself on fire by making some mistakes regarding boundaries.
You see, I have an unhealthy attachment style. But that unhealthy attachment style doesn't manifest until the relationship ends. I try anything and everything in my power to hold on to said relationship even if I'm fully aware of the transition into friendship will take time. I wanted to be friends. I couldn't do it. I asked for space. He couldn't give it to me. I then stayed and we basically did it to each other. The push and pull until he couldn't take it anymore and completely pulled the plug, or should I say, set that bridge on fire. And now it's over. Now it's done.
It's safe to say that this is probably the best outcome for both of us before this relationship turns sour. It wasn't sour. It was beautiful but major life circumstances got in the way of what could have been and there was absolutely nothing either of us could do to stop it. He checked out way before I had and to this day I'm still processing it. Had we continued the route we were going, the end could have been much worse and the beautiful memories would no longer far outweigh the bad ones. Thank God that is not what happened...at least on my part.
The song came to me this morning as the effects of what was said and done began to smack me in the face. I woke up in pain that I lost control. He was already gone and I have been blocked everywhere as to be sure I couldn't reach out to him again. And so I won't but my ego is definitely bruised.
So there we were, standing on opposites sides of the bridge. I set myself on fire first by making some same mistakes over and over and he set the bridge on fire. And I wallowed in my sorrow, raw as I sat in my room and felt all the feels and then began to do the work. I took a yoga class today and upon the first "om" in class I burst into tears. I couldn't even "om". I will miss this person. He said he won't forget me and I won't either. There was love there. Just, in some ways, not the same kind. It was all ruined thanks to life's unforgiving School of Hard Knox. And I process. And I learn.
Ever had someone in your life (memory) where you still mourn the loss because life just didn't allow you to work it out?